'Earl the cockroach knew of all this, however, because he was one with Wowness powers'

At my part time job at this public art gallery this week I got asked to judge a contest called Reflections, it is done every year in Georgia, I did it when I was in elementary school or something, kids enter for their school and then the winners go on to compete at state level I think, I was judging 6/7/8th grade writing. The theme of the contest this year was 'Wow!' which is a pretty bad topic, most of the kids writing either ended with the word 'wow' or was about a time a kind of weather made them saw wow, one kid included the Flavor Flav 'wowwwww' in a rap he wrote, it talked about him getting emails from girls, the majority were either about sports or 9/11 or weather.

This one kid, I read his story, it was untitled, it is the most insane thing I've read in a long time, it had all this-meta stuff going on, the narrator gets sucked into a muffin and fights Simon Cowell and switches dialects while referring to how he's switching dialects, one of the dialects is 'olde english,' the British people say 'wot wot,' at one point a nerd kills another person by reciting the periodic table in order and it lists out the elements, there is a number that takes up a whole paragraph, the kid uses the word 'octosyllabic' and 'razor-backed,' one of the characters is a 'mattress named Zem born on the plant Sqornshellous Zeta,' another character is 'Bob the multicolored brown clown wig,' holy crap, I would publish this story in a real magazine, if I read it in a real magazine I would say holy shit, I am having trouble believing the kid is 11, but I am also having trouble believing if a parent wrote a story for a kid they would be this balls-out about it, because it's fucking insane.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, the best story I've read since Rachel B. Glaser's PEE ON WATER is 'untitled' by this 11 year old from Alpharetta GA, I may see if I can publish this. I want to like call the parents and tell them their kid is brilliant or they are liars, I don't know, it put me in a good mood.








While I was at work I was reading Sam Pink's YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE, I had it out on the desk, I am allowed to do whatever I want at work, I just have to be there, I had the chapbook on the table, this nine year old kid was hanging around waiting for his mom, this kid talks a lot and says crazy shit whenever he comes in, his mom brings him by a lot, the kid saw Sam's chapbook and said out loud the title, "YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE"? Then he looked at me weird and said, "That's kind of stupid." in this incredulous way, I was afraid he was going to pick up the book and see curse words and things about having orgasms, he didn't, then he started repeating the phrase, "I'm not the only thing you can't stop." over and over and over again while he played with these poetry magnets on a file cabinet to spell out some sentence about MR. REAGAN AND MR. GORBECHEV doing something weird to a POTATO and HIS HEAD, I wish I had the sentence, kids are cool, I like other people's kids.









I am reading Nick Antosca's new novel MIDNIGHT PICNIC, it is brilliant, it is like CHILD OF GOD and William Gay but updated and easier to read, and really really fucking heavy, and with sex, I love it so far, I will have a review coming soon, it is coming out at the end of this month from IMPETUS PRESS.









I hate that if I don't drink a pot of coffee every day now I feel like my head is being crushed by rocks.








Last night I dreamed I had a CD slimline case full of the first disc of Smashing Pumpkins MELON COLLIE AND THE INFINITE SADNESS, there were like 19 of them, the disc with red smiling sun on it, the rest of the cd case was empty, I can't remember anything else.

NO COLONY Promotional Shaving Video + Byebye

DON'T FORGET

This FRIDAY AUGUST 22nd 7:30 PM in Park Slope Brooklyn NYC @ Barbes

NO COLONY issue 001 Launch Party

Featuring readings by Nick Antosca, Giancarlo DiTrapano, Tao Lin, Robert Lopez and Justin Taylor, hosted by myself and Ken Baumann

Issues on sale, I think $10, something.

Yesterday I shaved my face and spoke into the light in recognition of the folding forces, please observe:



Yeah, I'm really bad at shaving.

I tried to add text titles to the video but iMovie is a real piece of shit and I don't have Final Cut anymore, use your imagination, pretend there are words going in the video saying about the reading or something, pretend my head is leaking fry grease.

Blogger replications of this news &/or clearly erotic video in a promotional effort to garner attendance will be most thanked via mental explode.

aka

PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD. :)

Those attending the event are encouraged to bring a tennis ball or other spherical object that may be thrown at my head or body while I am speaking, my skull is large, I make a good target.

Concurrently with my offer, Ken Baumann is accepting offers of manual stimulation and/or cash rubdowns.


** SNEAK PEEK **


We got the issues in yesterday, they rub on my eyelids without my nodding.

It looks crooked in the first photo I don't know why, its not actually crooked:





Excitedz.

Anyhow, hitting the road tomorrow morning early and won't be back till late Sunday, so in the meantime, keep your panties tucked tight and your fingers liquidated. Order will begin shipping upon return, thank you to those who preordered, thank you to those who will order soon or now. :)

Byebyez.

NO COLONY NYC LAUNCH PARTY aka Politics Made the Earlobe Whittle, Wouldja Shush?

NYC launch party for ISSUE 001 of NO COLONY will be going down at BARBES in Park Slope Brooklyn --- Friday AUGUST 22, 7:30 PM.

If you live in NYC please come. Directions are on the Barbes website. Please be on time a little too, because there is an event after us at 10. Assumedly the party will bleed out to elsewhere after, I want to accost NYC with margarita blood and make videos.

We will have issues of NO COLONY freshly in our hands (they are to arrive the day before, please someone make UPS not suck a d this once).

Readings by Robert Lopez, Tao Lin, Giancarlo DiTrapano, Justin Taylor and Nick Antosca.

If you live in NYC area, please help spread the word, I want the walls to snort when I wiggle and maybe there will be live pigs we can bring in and roll around with and maybe I can forget how to talk.

Ken Baumann's ass is supposed to be in the house from all the way across the country, he is going to do it, you should email him and tell him make it happen no matter what, he is on the fence a little, push him over.

Also tell him HAPPY FUCKIN BDAY MISTER!

I am excited to be coming back to NYC.


Right now there's some sort of bitchass crawling in my urethra.
Not physically, but like a mental liquid noose.
I want to take a bite out of a baby, I'm not kidding, how much would that cost?

The internet is like my cooter, it keeps making me randomly upset but often glorifies my yamkitten.

I have the tattoo mapped and/or not at all.

Vast Aire's new record DEUCES WILD has a track with the hook: I'm not a rapper I just talk alot. Obviously squatting on Big Pun's 'player's anthem.' I like Vast Aire, his voice sounds more nasal than most rappers, he is smart, the new record has really weird, creative beats, rap is tickling my yearnum

someone needs to email that lyric on loop for like 20 hours to certain people's computers in a vein of sludge they can't stand up from,

I sometimes imagine hordes of special liquid coming out of the monitor like a billion hands and one or two of them touching special moments but the most of them like beating like the shit like out of like my head

my face

More nice now.




Brandon Hobson reviewed THE WOMAN DOWN THE HALL on Clusterflock. Thanks to Brandon.

Justin Taylor's first poetry book is out now from the new X-ing Press. Congrats to Justin, the book looks beautiful, I am about to order it.

Ellipsis Press just put up preorders for two new novels, one by Eugene Marten (who crushed my ass with IN THE BLIND) and Eugene Lim (the editor of Harp & Altar). I have preordered both, I am excited. Also they are open to electronic novel submissions, their books seem really nice,

A lot is happening.



I will not be a negative fuck face

I will be a cordless drill carried in the sweaty palm of Klaus Kinski to make a peephole into the year of Draining

know what I mean

no, no

good mood

oh


last night someone got to this blog with my favorite google query ever,
they were from India,
they looked up
'horse insert his cook in women's pussy'

exactly like that

Indian man

googling

HORSE INSERT HIS COOK IN WOMEN'S PUSSY


i could think about the nuances of that conception for the rest of my life and be happy

next book title, swear to god