Wednesday, October 15, 2008

'Earl the cockroach knew of all this, however, because he was one with Wowness powers'

At my part time job at this public art gallery this week I got asked to judge a contest called Reflections, it is done every year in Georgia, I did it when I was in elementary school or something, kids enter for their school and then the winners go on to compete at state level I think, I was judging 6/7/8th grade writing. The theme of the contest this year was 'Wow!' which is a pretty bad topic, most of the kids writing either ended with the word 'wow' or was about a time a kind of weather made them saw wow, one kid included the Flavor Flav 'wowwwww' in a rap he wrote, it talked about him getting emails from girls, the majority were either about sports or 9/11 or weather.

This one kid, I read his story, it was untitled, it is the most insane thing I've read in a long time, it had all this-meta stuff going on, the narrator gets sucked into a muffin and fights Simon Cowell and switches dialects while referring to how he's switching dialects, one of the dialects is 'olde english,' the British people say 'wot wot,' at one point a nerd kills another person by reciting the periodic table in order and it lists out the elements, there is a number that takes up a whole paragraph, the kid uses the word 'octosyllabic' and 'razor-backed,' one of the characters is a 'mattress named Zem born on the plant Sqornshellous Zeta,' another character is 'Bob the multicolored brown clown wig,' holy crap, I would publish this story in a real magazine, if I read it in a real magazine I would say holy shit, I am having trouble believing the kid is 11, but I am also having trouble believing if a parent wrote a story for a kid they would be this balls-out about it, because it's fucking insane.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, the best story I've read since Rachel B. Glaser's PEE ON WATER is 'untitled' by this 11 year old from Alpharetta GA, I may see if I can publish this. I want to like call the parents and tell them their kid is brilliant or they are liars, I don't know, it put me in a good mood.

While I was at work I was reading Sam Pink's YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE, I had it out on the desk, I am allowed to do whatever I want at work, I just have to be there, I had the chapbook on the table, this nine year old kid was hanging around waiting for his mom, this kid talks a lot and says crazy shit whenever he comes in, his mom brings him by a lot, the kid saw Sam's chapbook and said out loud the title, "YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE"? Then he looked at me weird and said, "That's kind of stupid." in this incredulous way, I was afraid he was going to pick up the book and see curse words and things about having orgasms, he didn't, then he started repeating the phrase, "I'm not the only thing you can't stop." over and over and over again while he played with these poetry magnets on a file cabinet to spell out some sentence about MR. REAGAN AND MR. GORBECHEV doing something weird to a POTATO and HIS HEAD, I wish I had the sentence, kids are cool, I like other people's kids.

I am reading Nick Antosca's new novel MIDNIGHT PICNIC, it is brilliant, it is like CHILD OF GOD and William Gay but updated and easier to read, and really really fucking heavy, and with sex, I love it so far, I will have a review coming soon, it is coming out at the end of this month from IMPETUS PRESS.

I hate that if I don't drink a pot of coffee every day now I feel like my head is being crushed by rocks.

Last night I dreamed I had a CD slimline case full of the first disc of Smashing Pumpkins MELON COLLIE AND THE INFINITE SADNESS, there were like 19 of them, the disc with red smiling sun on it, the rest of the cd case was empty, I can't remember anything else.


DB said...

i was laughing out loud reading about that kid's story. badass.

working with kids is fucking awesome. i've heard some awesome funny shit at work. i've heard one kid tell another kid he was about to "eat yo face." then when the other kid kept talking he was like, "i'm about to come over there and start eatin'!"

it was pretty great.


i wish i could spell dialect and not have it be all fucked.

Keith Montesano said...

wow. i was too. i think some kids have amazing imaginations. get that kid to do a chapbook or something.

you should definitely publish it. but what is AROUND it might not be the best for him to read. then again, if he's already that crazy -- in a good way -- maybe "adult" things would only benefit him.

Ken Baumann said...

best dream you've ever had


you need to publish that story, MAKE IT HAPPEN BLAKE


the whole story is goddamn crazy, i will try to find a way to make it public... hopefully i can.


DB said...

i think the only way to make it public would be parental permission and maybe the kid has to sign off on it too.

i don't know. all i know is with the kids i work with is that i give treatment or legal info or mention their names i'm fired as shit.

try talking to your boss too about whether you can make it public. i want to read it.

the next lamination colony should be "Wow!" themed. "Wow!" inspired writing only please.


yeah i imagine it might be kinda hard, ill see what's up though, i would love people to read this thing. this kid is real.

Anonymous said...

that is hot. Publish it so we can read it. If his parents sue, than all for the better. There should be no age limit for writing. I used to get all these wicked stories when I worked at the princeton review, but that was different.

Anonymous said...

i like this post because it is not about destroying babies.

Emerick Pond said...

Speaking of destroying babies...a certain someone stopped by my blog and accused me of such nonsense.

Anyway, I work at a school that offers creative writing courses to kids (grades 4-12), and their writing pops up in the school's print litmag every year.

Good luck,

Anonymous said...

If I was 11, I would probably be friends with that kid.

Hell, I'd probably be friends with him now, except he would be smarter than me and make me feel bad about being so stupid and unimaginative.


i eat babies.


u asked for it

ryan said...

the wowness powers

Anonymous said...

My kids did nanwromo in school last year (not 50k words, but still) and they had a blast and wrote amazing crazy shit. I love 11 yr old boys. they rock.

BlogSloth said...

UH, immediately sign the kid into a book deal where u make the $$ and he suffers big-time while u drive a big ol' flower baby-bay car down MLK street.



Matt DeBenedictis said...

I want to see a video of little children reading from Sam Pink's chapbook. It can be set up like an audition for some sitcom. The overbearing mothers can rush into frame trying to help their child say "pirate" and "orgasm" while seeming undeniably cute.


MLK bitch


i wish my ID still said MLK

Emerick Pond said...

You don't want people commenting on your blog anymore?


molly why you say dat?

Emerick Pond said...

Last time I checked, there was no comments button on your latest post. I was going to say something about your new colors. But I couldn't, for some reason. But now I see there are many comments for your latest post, so I don't know.

Whoops E. Daisy