Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My high school was made of cooch and watercress

I got jive-talked about in the comments section of this blog post, which is actually part of a sweet! blog novel by 'King Wenclas' of the ULA, who managed to completely miss the point of the post he is discussing.

That guy's still around? Oh neat.

'King Wenclas' has always kind of reminded me of those guys from high school who lived their glory days on the football crew and could never quite get over them, going on to live in the sad teetee of their beer-gut years as their wives grow oranger and fatter. That's just what he reminds me of, I can't help it.

I am in the 'in crowd' now apparently. Also neat.

Hang on, receiving txt msg from Jonathan Lethem re: wanna come over and touch dicks?

Gotta tell him no, I am busy shaving my facial hair into some kind of muppet for when the lit-luminati's brilliance-detecting cunt-sniffers finally sniff the cunt on my intensely post-MFA novel and decide to stick that cunt on a book made of matte paper with french flaps so someone will nod their head out of their M83 headphones and maybe sniff my words a minute.

So much neat.

That guy must feel tired.

It's okay, I feel tired too.

** EDIT ** Sorry, I had to add this, after looking around the ULA's geocities-esque website, here is one of their flyers that they intend will invoke the 'literary revolution.'


That is pretty sexy. I feel it, I feel it.

Anyhow, for the next installment of my secret handshake publishing career, you should check out this new book from a massive mega-house illuminati BETTER NON SEQUITUR, who have just released the second volume of their sex-themed literary anthology, SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY, of which I shaved a section of my mother's scrote off and mailed it to them with the promise of ownership of every hair I will future grow, as well as the fact that I've slept with people in important bands like Anal Dynasty and the Bulbs.

The cover, by Matt Furie, is fucking real:

This surely masturbatorily inducing set of 50 texts of 1000ish words includes work by myself (OK, I paid Annie Proulx's hot granddaughter to get me in) as well as many others who regularly get invited to King Wenclas's Random House backdoor circle jerk, including Aaron Burch, Lee Klein, David Gianatasio, Jimmy Chen, Elizabeth Ellen, Paul Kavanagh, Chelsea Martin, Harold Jaffe, J.A. Tyler, Justin Taylor, Kevin Sampsell, Savannah Schroll Guz, and Steven Coy, as well as goosh of others who've likely stuck their tongue into the proverbial glitter literati d-hole.

My story involves a man looking up a Mexican's cleaning lady's anus, it really does.

And really, the book is ten bucks, is sexy, you should do a buy.


Brandon Hobson said...

Your story about a man looking up a Mexican's cleaning lady's anus sounds right up my alley.


thanks brandon,

sex stories are fun

jereme said...

man normally i could care less about sex books.

but fuck, you sold that shit. it was proper and clean.

very motivational.

blake butler has finally trumped the entire internets

mark it down


thanks jereme

the first one of the anthology had a lot of cool not-so-sexy sex stuff in it that turned the sex book on its head, and from this cover i can expect this one will be smearing it even more

fun shitz?

Josh Maday said...

good work, blake. you could do well writing a surreal porn novel. invent some new, physically impossible fetishes, something crazier than amputee sex.

king wince-a-lot must have thought you were being ironic, meaning the opposite of what you said in that post about why people don't read. maybe i read it wrong when i thought you meant that lit should look, read, feel, and drive nice in order to entice. i don't even have the energy to think about this anymore. too brilliant and logical for me.

Jimmy Chen said...

Is the 'Random House' in 'Random House backdoor circle jerk' the publishing house, or just some random house that we are in a circle and jerking? My prostrate is out of control, so wear some goggles.


josh holy holy

jimmy i just lol'd and squirted in my t-t's a smidge

Mike Young said...

Jimmy and I have been WWF random house Circlejerk champions for the last twenty-seven years. We've jerked circles in bungalows, McMansions, and houseboats. Fear us, suckerfish.

jereme said...

reading is for squares

clandestine circle jerk literary events

well that is where it is at

the cat's meow


i have so much love to give

my armpit is vaginal, bring it

jereme said...

i like my armpits unshaved.

like a thousand tense octopus arms

reaching out searching

for god

The Man Who Couldn't Blog said...

when the revolution comes, blake butler will be the first with his head on the chopping block.

i will be the second.

mfa programs are run by the cia. blake and i are cia informants.

Jimmy Chen said...

blake and mike: i invite you to a triangle jerk, with a guest appearance from josh, who'd make it a rhombus jerk. does this make us gay?

jereme said...

it is only gay if you lock eyes while doing it

and even that is okay

if you write something literary about it

everything is okay if it is 'literary'

the rhombus jerk off sessions

brought to you by the letter



as long as you wear a baseball or otherwise sports related hat or tee (not tennis) we should be fine n shit


'everything is okay if it is 'literary''

yeah fo real do


Josh Maday said...

rhombus jerks are the front lip of the revolution. everyone will have their head chopped off twice.

jereme said...

i already have my fast pass ticket

no waiting in line

let the cleaving of heads


The Man Who Couldn't Blog said...

to hell with you guys for excluding me from the jerk. see. you literary mandarins, you and your upper class, exclusive literary club, you're keeping the underground out.


ive seen you believer anal tattoo, matthew, and i know your ejaculate has bee arraigned by oddi printing, your balls are my balls, we are one lit-luminati

sam pink said...

hey guys, dad is trying to sleep, keep it down.


In the words of the ULA:


In the words of Tommy Lee:


This is 'real talk.'

Mike Young said...

this comment stream needs to be majorly published n shit

N+1 any 1?

Ken Baumann said...


jereme said...

mike young gets +30 points for the N+1 reference.

uh yes, i have a plus 5 cape of literary circle jerkoffery

and a INT of 235

and i always hit 18 or above on the blue-green colored 20 sided dice


cooch destroyer

Josh Maday said...


fuckin soggy neurons

This meeting of the Rhombus Jerk Literary Rebellion Secret Secretion Club will now commence.

Pants down!

Goggles on!

The Man Who Couldn't Blog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Man Who Couldn't Blog said...

y'all demi-puppets can lick my bag of holding. and then throw a save against choking.

Josh Maday said...

this is some riverrun stream of scrotumtightening jibberjabber

wear your glasses dont go blind

ryan call said...

me: thats all i do
i name drop blake butler
and i am invited to the circlejerk
Blake: haha
make sure you grip the shaft hard and bite a little
me: haha
i will try that tonight

check that box.

good comments section - i feel dirty

jereme said...

well if we are getting dirty

and it is all copacetic

let me disrobe

get comfortable

and let you tell me how my literary ass tastes

i would like to name this love poem to N+1

that goes with the earlier theme


4 life

Keith Montesano said...

pure guava