Tuesday, November 4, 2008

6 things + Answers to Your Google Q's (5): EMOTIONAL VEGINA

* You can now preorder my ML Press chapbook IN THE RAPE YEAR OF THE GHETTO TODDLER THE HOUSES WILL AWAKEN, it is $2, there are only 25-50 copies to be sold, there are also new ones from Nick Antosca and Brandi Wells for preorder, I have bought all of them so far, as well there are just-announced forthcoming ones from Sam Pink, Michael Kimball, Norman Lock, and James Chapman. FUCK YES.

* Publishers Weekly discusses Featherproof Books design sense & mentions SCORCH ATLAS

* Massive congrats to new 'label mate' AMELIA GRAY, whose collection of short-short fiction AM/PM has also just been announced for release by Featherproof next year. Amelia is insanely good, I am happy to be in the year of the year with her. If you do not know her work yet, read this ('There Will Be Sense' on Diagram), you will know why AM/PM is exciting as hell.

* 'Rung' 'violent' 'bleak' 'rough' excerpt on Underland Press site

* Why does, when I put on deodorant in the morning, then later in the day go running, then bathe, it hurt to put on a second layer of deodorant? It's like something is ripping out my skin.

* When Agent Cooper comes to find 'Let's Rock' written in cursive on the windshield of the car with the camera shot looking out from inside the car is maybe my favorite part of FIRE WALK WITH ME, I don't know why

* Finally, maybe my favorite Google Q yet (for which I am the 5th result):

(from Bedminster, New Jersey 9/4/08 7:07 PM)

Q: what is the right part of vegina to play to make woman emotional

A: VEGINA PLAY PERFECT PRESENTATION CHECKLIST IN 8 STEPS (must be followed in order, no subs, no skipping)

(1) Clear spit valve in woman, flooding into paper sac to be fed to brown dog on sixth day after vegina play is complete

(2) Wax woman's groove folds with CURPSIS (C) Brand bronze shiner, insert her legs into the rain compiler in which you have allowed eight weeks of rainfall to accumulate (no snow)

(3) Arrange CANNIBAL CORPSE's 'Tomb of the Mutilated' LP on verified 'crodbench' controller, extend volume to high setting (nosebleed recommended)

(4) With six conch shells purchased from the online or recent family vacation, prepare hexagramic aura containment by positioning the shells at the 6 major invocation points

(5) Wear a broach with mother's surname pinned through your navel to her navel, laugh some, share your breath with where hers goes in

(6) Feed with one hand the #1 value meal from BK while feeding the woman the #2 value meal from BK no sauce

(7) The woman's eyes will well with drapery in the flood zone moment, at which point evacuate, seal room, hide eyes, call dad, say 'Hello father, I am apologize for all I have not been to you as a son and as a human I never should have been made'

(8) Reenter floodzone once wall is no longer shaking, say your father's name into the woman's ear, enter the ear inside the ear *VOILA*


Amelia said...

Thanks, label-mate! And congrats on the PW nod. Exciting stuff.


ty amelia :) :)

jereme said...

humans are not meant to wear deodorant.

try going 2 weeks without using it. you will feel smelly but alive.

i am excited to read 'water baby rape' or whatever that long ass title is.


i've tried to not wear it, but i can't stand the feeling once the pit begins to get wettish or something. i'd rather just burn sometimes.

jereme said...

yes it takes resolve. it took me three tries to break the psychological need for it. i still use it though.

i burn too. 'mitchum' is the shit. no burn and the shit is tough like sam pink's yam sack.

dance with arms above your head and get sum

Matt DeBenedictis said...

The Let's Rock scene is one of my favorite scenes in FWWM as well. My favorite is the Mr Palmer screaming at the one armed man at the stop light. It's a breakdown with American mechanics in it- fucking priceless!


yeah the stoplight scene is great. all of bob.leland is great

Daniel Bailey said...

haha. VOILA.

who is asking these "vegina" questions? is it the same person?


all the q's showed up in my statcounter as google searches that reached my blog

'vegina' seems to come mostly from india, tons of people put it in like that, i like it

i will never say 'vagina' again

Daniel Bailey said...

i was going to guess india.


india consistently amazes me for the oddly phrased perversions that come out of there

god bless google

ryan manning said...

everyone does that

zach said...

fire. walk. with. me.