i am sitting in my loft with all the lights off because i am too lazy to turn them on. i have a cup of coffee that is getting cold. i ate a bunch of cotton candy that my friend bought for me. last night on cribs some kids in a rap group were talking about CITY PUNCH, which is water with sugar in it. they were very proud of CITY PUNCH. i would like to drink it. there are these windows along the back wall of my loft that let the sound in from the train rails that are right across from my front door. it often makes a sound like a sprinkler head ticking. or like something is itching. i hate friday night. friday night always makes me feel anxious because i am not a planner and yet if you do not go out on friday night there is some feeling of impending loneliness or isolation because friday night is the night people with regular jobs really feel special about being alive. i would like to eat watermelon at a short table with a tablecloth in the parking lot of my apartment with a napkin tucked in to keep watermelon juice from getting on my shirt though i would probably get it on my shirt somehow anyway. friday night makes me feel violent. i want to be violent more often but i do not have the proper mental configuration to allow me to commit violence. i have never been in a fight. i think i would like to be in a fight if it could be like when people fight in video games and i could hit reset if i really started to get my ass kicked. i like that movie STRAW DOGS. sam peckinpah knows how to make violence feel more volatile and jarring. watching that movie gave me genuine anxiety. it is probably one of the most anxious films i've ever seen. PUNCH DRUNK LOVE also caused that feeling, though it used sound and color to create the disturbance more than STRAW DOGS does. STRAW DOGS has DUSTIN HOFFMAN as a mathematician with a hot wife. they move out to live in a small town in a large house where DUSTIN HOFFMAN begins to feel strange and jealous about his wife being hot and the people in the town lusting after her and then strange things begin to happen. it is a movie full of jealousy and violence. there is a very famous rape scene. i often feel pangs of real guttural jealousy that are often attached to no credible real motion. my head creates a lot of trouble for me out of things that do not fully exist. it works often kind of like those MAGIC EYE paintings, where you're supposed to stare into the mesh of nonsense and see something iconic like a sailboat or a landscape. i think MAGIC EYE paintings cause emotional disturbance. i think MAGIC EYE paintings should not be allowed to be sold in malls. i think instead they should sell chickadees. all people should have the opportunity to live with a chickadee.
i think i'd always feel okay if i had a chickadee.
i am going to buy at least a stuffed one.