Thursday, September 11, 2008

Answers to Your Google Q's (1) TOUCHING THE BABY

I always get a little concerned when I see people arriving at this blog by having typed seemingly serious questions into Google, probably looking for some pertinent answer and instead ending up at this reservoir of mostly not-veiled sexual language, other ranting and blather. I realize that people searching for answers online are probably apt to go astray in their lives if I let them try to construe answers from all this bullshit, so in that light I decided it was time to start answering these Googled questions directly, hopefully in the long run creating a kind of alternative q/a encyclopedia.

Here is the first of such:

(from Tampa, Florida, 9/10/08, 7:36:17 PM)

Q: how does the baby know where my hand is on my stomach

A: Your baby is made of urine. Urine is a high-carbonate polymer, deciduous in certain climates, and highly volatile in the flesh of the mother. When you move your hand to touch your stomach, the baby feels a concurrent ache in the corresponding region of where you are touching, much like the method employed in Cuban Kewpie dolls purchased for destruction of a neighbor. When you touch yourself with the baby in you, the baby's burgeoning urine body translates the ache you have designed for it (lucky you!) into a chemical signal in its inner-forehead (and labia, if applicable), which will to no small extent dictate the drive, will, IQ, manner, employment schedule and lovability of your baby as he/she sheds the urine body and moves to mirror the body you, the mother, have built before him/her in the earthen wall. It is advised in all instances that the pre-birthing mother keep her fingers away from the belly loin unless she (he?) has been well instructed in the manner of plurification and wise-rubbing, in fear of damaging the baby's whole entire life. A mother's hands may be placed w/o fear of repercussion on the mother's (a) forehead (b) cheeks (c) face, other (d) labia, if the child-to-be is son (e) thighs (f) eyes or buttocks (g) mate (h) earlobes (i) windows (j) personal urine (k) wig hair (l) purse.



I hope that more thoroughly answers the question, ma'am.

The internet is dangerous.




- - -

Picked up Dzanc Books's Best of the Web 2008 last night at Borders. Hadn't realized my story The Sentence from Alice Blue Review was listed in the book's Notable Stories of the year. That was a nice surprise, thanks to all of those involved for that. Regardless, the book is a nice collection of all sorts of different kinds of writing, and highlights a wide array of the kind of stuff being done online. I am glad someone is doing this, it is important, I think.

Also thanks to Mike & Ryan at Noo for nominating my List Prayer for Best of the Net (a similar but different enterprise by Sundress from the Dzanc book) 2008. Kind sirs.

- - -



I had to fight myself hard last night to keep from laying down in the floor at Borders, I felt an overwhelming sense of something burning, I leaned a lot to both sides, I was looking at something, there was a whipple




I like when people say declarative sentences in an interrogative fashion, such as: 'I can get a swig of your drank?'

That happens a lot in Atlanta.

I have probably been asked that specific sentence more than 12 times.









They are playing contemporary lite-r&b in this coffee shop. The guy that usually plays Pavement isn't here. I should go.

WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN????????????????????

32 comments:

Alicia Pernell said...

hey blake, i can get a swig of your drank?

BLAKE BUTLER said...

ah yes yes

i also like 'I can smoke in yo whip?'

Alicia Pernell said...

do people say "fixin' to" instead of "about to?"

i'm fixin' to go to the wal-mart.

Brandi Wells said...

i have a friend that says, "hey man, can i get some work off that?" when he wants a swig of my 'drank.'

The Man Who Couldn't Blog said...

better yet, do they say "f'in" instead of "fixin to" instead of "about to"?

BLAKE BUTLER said...

both of these contractions are correct.

i myself often say 'fixin'

BLAKE BUTLER said...

i like 'get some work off that'

peter b. said...

NIPPLES THE SIZE OF PECANS

Anonymous said...

let me hit dat.

drank, pussy, whateva man.

low hung labia like pulled pork sandwiches. whateva man.

- barry

Maximum Etc said...

democracy breaks through the glass floor.

http://openhousefire.blogspot.com/

Derek White said...

can I legitly rebut in your comments now? Did I finally become a blogger? can you feed the world with this?

I'm still in my own time zone.

Derek White said...

And are you coming to brooklyn? And please don't click on my name or they will know I'm on your pron site.

Adam R. said...

this post = best of the web

Fat Roland said...

Great post. The googlers I mainly get are Rolf Harris fans and (no joke) people searching for Gloria Hunniford's cleavage.

BLAKE BUTLER said...

derek, still trying to figure it out, i guess i would know by now if i was, so probably not, that sucks, when are you going back?


'this is your boy whiteboy'

Radish King said...

Your baby is made of urine.

*snork*


Excuse me.

The Man Who Couldn't Blog said...

i notice you haven't responded to my response to the punk/Punk post. this is because my answer—a collection of DEVO videos—was too much for you. i apologize for my DEVO thrashing.

BLAKE BUTLER said...

haha oh, i looked at that post before you added devo.

yes, devo is the one

Shane Jones said...

someone found my blog by searching for "where does shane jones live" now i have to lock my bedroom door at night.

DOGZPLOT said...

someone found dogzplot by typing "wet bloody pussy"

Anonymous said...

that would be double E's story, mr. dog.

i had a lengthy comment on the first part of bb post here, but i decided against it.

BLAKE BUTLER said...

deciding against things is always bad

Block Head said...

one of those devo boys flashed me his twigs and berries from beneath his onion skins once, after a 10k. That's punk enough to keep your kids away.

Headed back to the "green city in the sky" on wednesday night. You headed to la manzana grande or not?

throwingroses said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
throwingroses said...

I have a large amount of people come to my blog via the search "Burt Reynolds Naked". I may rename my blog "Burt Reynolds other mustache is in his pants" just so the disappointment isn't one-hundred percent.

Muzzy said...

I met a very large man from Atlanta last night. An IT engineer, he said, out here in La Frontera on business. Poor guy only worked 12 hour days and didn't get to see ni the beach ni the zoo. I felt for him, I really did.

Oh, and he had a goattee. Why is it that every American man outside of California and New York still insists on wearing a goatee? It's not that I have anything against facial hair -- the full beard really worked for Freud and Moses. But if all you want to grow is some little patch in a silly circle around your mouth -- why? I ask you, why?

BLAKE BUTLER said...

i really wanna do brooklyn, i am gonna see, tickets are so expensive when you wait, and my other connection probably is off for now.. shucks.

it's still w/in the realm though

who doesn't want to see burt reynolds naked?

Anonymous said...

i think that anonymous post is from dan. fess up dan.

- barry

ryan call said...

shane

that was me
i wanted to show your video of your home to my wife


(still, i suggest you lock your doors at night)

sam pink said...

wet bloody pussy

Telemachus said...

god willing, I will get my SSES tattoo today..

Maximum Etc said...

you used to be able to get to my website by searching for "heart-shaped pubic hair." but no longer.